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Dana Leigh Lyons's avatar

So wild, seeing these definitions side by side! When defining recovery for myself, I very much resonate with the description you offered for your personal experience.

And, while I’m sober from alcohol, I don’t consider alcohol my most significant addiction. I’m great at abstinence. But addiction to anorexia and disordered eating, obsessive-compulsive patterning, external validation seeking, overwork, etc., have been much harder for me than just “stopping something.” I haven’t had alcohol for four years as of this Sunday and don’t really think about it (outside of writing). I still feel like I’m just getting started with nearly everything else.

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Allison Taylor Conway's avatar

I'm so grateful you are so generous to invite us to all walk through this with you, Carl. It really feels so validating to me that you pose this basic question: What is recovery?" because when I first sought help for my addiction, I felt a lot of sadness and frustration that my medical care providers, while kind, kind of looked at me with blank stares when I asked them, what do I do? How do I fix me? There was no answer. Maybe even worse, there wasn't a dynamic discussion, like you offer us so sincerely here, about how no one really knows for sure, and that that can be an opportunity for creativity in some ways, and a chance to learn yourself, how you see things, what you are open to re-interpreting. That in openly exploring the possibility of what recovery could be, the exploration of what recovery is is part of the recovery itself (so meta!).

For me, what distinguishes my experience of recovery is my experience of addiction. I don't want to see my recovery as a way to forget, degrade, devalue or dismiss what my addiction showed me: the depths of my ability and willingness to abandon myself, to hurt myself, to disrespect myself. I know what is humanly possible, for any of us, under certain seemingly impossible conditions. When I hear the idea of "loss of control" I am troubled by it, how to understand it. Because for me, I was desperate to abandon control. I was trying so hard to control myself, meaning to force myself to be and do things to uphold a false identity, that when I drank it was my greatest relief from that kind of "self-control." I wanted to lose control. I didn't even care what I handed control over to, I was just glad it wasn't mine to hold for a while.

It was fucked up, but maybe becoming addicted to alcohol was actually my first attempt at recovery. My first addiction was to trying to get love, safety, and care by pretending I was okay when I wasn't. I didn't know that I had trauma, I didn't know I was trying to heal myself, but I was.

I don't think I can understand or expand my recovery without honoring the realness that I once knew what it was like to harm myself against my own intentions. If you've never been addicted to something, you cannot understand or have that kind of self-perspective. It's valuable. It's not total trash. It distinguishes my "general wellness" from my recovery. My recovery is a collection of practices all threaded together by my intention to evolve, beyond survival. Beyond that place where I chose to break away from myself because I didn't know what else to do. Now I'm learning "what else to do." :)

General health and wellness can be taken as one off, disconnected activities, like exercise for the body, puzzles for the mind, volunteering for the heart, etc. But recovery is an integrated collection of things, a realization that the body, mind, spirit, and soul are all one. My first community I had to reconnect was the community of me. I would say I had a "god-shaped hole inside' but I would say I had some broken connections inside me, and recovery is how I'm restoring them.

Maybe the difference between addiction and recovery is about answering the question: what identity (or system) are you doing a particular set of things in order to uphold? And who gets to decide which ones are worthy or good? In my addiction, the world decided. In my recovery, I decide. In recovery, we have to first learn to respect ourselves. And to discern. Because what is sold to us as 'health and wellness' in this sick culture can sometimes be addiction in disguise!

I didn't mean for this to be so long. I really cannot tell you how important your work is to me in my recovering life. You give us a chance to be part of shaping our own experience like no one else I've encountered in my recovery. Thank you, Carl, for the work you do and how you do it.

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